We are all familiar with the Hollywood trope: Mom is in labor, sweating yet still beautiful, perhaps erupting with an occasional barbed comment to her partner or support person, yet everyone gracefully recognizes this as part of the process. Baby arrives, is placed in mom's arms, and it is love at first sight.
Of course, this image - and expectation - is not only harmful, but OFTEN untrue. Think about it: the person in labor (or with scheduled c-section) has just been through a physical and emotional ordeal, ranging from difficult to traumatic. They may have been sleep deprived and/or physically uncomfortable for days or weeks before that. And yet, after this incomparable physical and emotional marathon, we expect ourselves to be able to experience love and connection to this tiny, squirming, crying being.
Let me say what is often not said: Many of us do not experience an instant, overwhelming connection to our newborn babies. Despite what your anxiety tells you, this does not mean that you made a mistake having a baby, are a bad mom (already!?), are deficient or broken in some way.
So what does this mean?
It means you are human. It means that an instant, intense attachment to a brand new addition to the family is not a reasonable expectation. If it happens for you, great. But for many - if not most - people, a relationship requires time to evolve.
This is particularly true if you, like 15-20% (!) of birthing people, experience depression and/or anxiety after delivery. We are not our best, most connected, emotionally available selves when we are depressed or anxious. Struggling in those ways take a lot of mental and emotional energy, and when you are postpartum, you are already depleted. No wonder it is hard to bond to a newborn under those circumstances. Especially when - let's be honest - these newborns are not giving us a lot to work with from a relationship perspective. (That will come later. Having your baby finally smile at you does a lot to deepen the relationship.)
So if you are not feeling connected to your baby, please know the following: you are not bad, you are not broken. These relationships will take time and patience. Give yourself the grace to allow this attachment to develop at its own pace. Try not to avoid being with your baby or over compensate by being with your baby all the time. And make sure you are taking care of yourself enough to have the emotional bandwidth to be present in this new relationship (as much as possible).
another therapist who believes self-care is the root of all healing,
Dr. Shannon Erisman
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